So I'm kinda depressed right now. Ok, not"kinda" I'm really depressed. I found out the other day that my boyfriend still has feelings for his ex girlfriend. He told me that he didn't break up with her because he no longer loved her... he broke up with her for her own good. She needed to get a grip on life and with her family. He couldn't deal with her family and so because of that, he thinks it would have never worked out between them anyway. Afterwards, he said his only concern with our relationship is with religion. He's catholic and I'm pagan... well, kinda. But I want to raise my kids cathollic like my parents did, and I've told him that. But somehow he keeps bringing it up like he doesn't think I would keep my word. And yes, I would go to church to set an example. I guess I don't know what to think anymore. Lately, whenever I try to get close to him, he pushes me away and says he doesn't feel good. He's been saying that for a couple weeks now. But when there are people around, he gives me attention probably as to not arouse suspicion. I wish he would just fucking tell me what's really going on with him. I also know he's depressed because he failed half his classes again. I've been debating as to just have someone take me home right now while he's just laying in bed probably sleeping. It seems like our relationship is almost taking the same path as my last one. You know, the one where the guy says he loves you but turns out he really doesn't love you and doesn't tell you until a year later. I mean, he blatantly told me that he's not over his ex and it's been almost 2 years. But yet he says he loves me. I love him and I want to marry him someday. I know I told him that I didn't feel like "second best" like he was concerned that I might be, but I do. I do feel like second best. I feel inferior to her. I'm short, she's tall, I'm a computer and art geek and she's athletic. She's outgoing I'm introverted. She's thin, I'm too muscular and I have a big ass and no boobs that are proportionate to the rest of my body. Since I met her in Jr. High, I wanted nothing but to be like her, or at least have some of what she had. She was always popular, had lots of friends, and got all the guys. She had nice legs that she could show off with a nice skirt. I've gained 20 pounds since two years ago and I'm trying to loose it all again. I'm hoping that my aerobics class will help this semester. I just know that in the end, I'll be fat because I inherited those genes from my mother's family. I'm also concerned for my father because he's down to 110 pounds. I know that I say I hate him sometimes but I don't really mean it. I mean, c'mon, he's my dad and I love him. Since I've been away to college, I hugged my dad more times than I ever did since I was 5. It's because my mom and I know that he's not doing well. He's getting sick more often. He's... dying, and I don't want that to happen. There is still so much more that I need to learn from him. My dad is basically that "jack of all trades" but he's master of one instead of none. I say this because he's a master mechanic.
I feel cold... really cold, like I have goosebumps all over my body.

.... Right now I just don't want to feel anything....